I am taking a class at Luther Seminary called God, Evil and Suffering. Part of our class was to write about something in our life that we had to grieve and lament and process through. I chose to talk about the passing of my younger brother Leroy. This is part 1 of 3 papers I wrote. I wanted to share this because it has been a good process for me in really thinking about the healing process I have been going through.
It was an early Saturday morning about two years ago when my cell phone rang. It was weird because my mom never calls me early, especially on a Saturday morning. When I answered the phone I can hear her wailing on the other side of the phone. She was trying to tell me something but I could not make out what she was trying to tell me. My step dad took the phone from her and told me the shell shocking news. Your brother Leroy was killed in a car accident early this morning. At first I was in shock like I did not hear him or if he was playing with me and I said what? My stepdad told me again. Your brother was killed in a car accident this morning. Sorry mijo. I am so sorry mijo. I can hear the pain in my stepdad’s voice as he told me. I can also hear my mom in the background and the pain she is going through at that moment. I was in shock. Then it sank in that my brother died. My brother, who was four years younger than I, was married and had two beautiful children, was gone. I cried. I balled my eyes out. My wife was wondering what happened and I told her. She cried with me and helped comfort me in my pain. My children, Grace and Trinity, wondered what was going on. We told them what happened. I instantly had so many questions going on in my head. Why Leroy? What was he doing up so early? Where was he going? Where was he coming from? What is going to happen with Jenny, Hailyn and Isaac? I wanted so badly to call Jenny and see how she was doing. I was sure she had many other things to worry about, not to mention breaking the news to my niece and nephew.
I called my older sister Denise and talked with her. She had her own God questions about my brothers passing. Why would God take Leroy? Why did he deserve to die? Why is it that we have a God and He lets this happens? I sat on the phone as she asked these questions. I had the same questions in my own head floating around.
Later on I called my mom to see how she was doing. My mom talks to me in Spanglish. A combination of English and Spanish. My mom starts talking to me in English but ends the conversation in Spanish or vice versa. We talked on the phone and she had the same questions for me as my sister. Por que mi hijo? (Why my son?) Por que mi buffy? (Why my Buffy?) Buffy was my brother Leroy’s nick name. Por que llevaria Dios a mi hijo? (Why would God take my son?)
So here I am a person who serves in a church and this is something I have never dealt with. I have been to funerals and been at the bedsides of ill people but I was not ready for this to happen so close to me. This was my brother. How am I supposed to act? How am I suppose to comfort my mom, sister and family when I am hurting myself? This was a big test for me. Only being able to hear the pain and suffering that my family was going through on the phone. I was at a point in which I was questioning God for His actions. That was wrong of me because it was not God’s actions but the actions of my brother and whatever happened to make the accident happen. Here I am a leader in the church and now it’s my turn to be the person who is trained and educated to deal with God, Evil and Suffering of the death of Leroy.
I wanted so much to blame God! I was hurting. In a sense I still do because it was my brother whom I loved and talked with the night before he was gone forever. It was the last time I told him that I loved him. He was going to be gone from our lives. Leroy was not going to see his son grow up to be a young man, put on a uniform and play baseball or soccer or see his daughter have her Quinceanera, watch her graduate from high school or walk her down the wedding aisle. That hurt me and it sometimes still stings.
There are many layers to this accident that killed my brother Leroy that early Saturday morning. I am glad to have been able to be the strong one for my family and be the one they leaned on. Whether I had the right answers for them or not being there was important. My wife was instrumental in my dealing with the grief of losing my brother. She is such a rock in my life and glad we share the same faith. We can grieve together and talk about things openly when the time is right.
Throughout this paper you will see how I was able to grieve and deal with the God, Evil and Suffering I went through in the death of my brother but also the God, Evil and Suffering with my family. Being there and walking with them side by side.
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